Fuck. Your. No.

It’s been a little over 10 days into the new year and I’ve already heard, “NO!“, more times than I would like. I am an adult, in the workforce, making money. Yet, I still feel like a child needing permission to do anything. For example, the other day I pitched an idea with such vigor it’s as if I let a balloon float up towards the sun!  ::Imaginary arrow flies through the air, bursts straight through the balloon then decends to land directly on my head:: SHOT DOWN! Denied!  Big time block!  A bit dramatic, sure, but that’s how I feel at this moment. Will I get over it? Yup. Probably right after I’m done venting about it here. Or after I scream into a pillow or something.

Don’t misundstand me. It’s not as if I have a problem taking rejection. I actually enjoy the challenge of changing someone’s opinion. What I can’t stand is simply being dismissed. No comments. No note. No explanation. Just, no. In my head I become 2 years old again and want scream, “WHY?!” But I don’t. I grin and bear it. Then shake it off. And now I’m wondering why hearing, “No” has bothered me my whole life. And why I don’t create a scene about it anymore. Hmph

My Free Will. My Curiosity. My Yearning for Knowledge. All of these things I may not have understood at the time but I most certainly had an awareness of since I was a toddler. I go to do something and am immediately stopped. I threw tantrums; I screamed out, “Why? Why not? WHY!?  “; I absolutely hated that I wasn’t allowed. And it made me want the forbidden all the more. I always figured out how to do it too. It would just suck when I got caught. As an adult though, I have come to accept that that’s just the way things are. I can do some things, I can’t do other things. Things have to be done this way and no other way. Don’t reinvent the wheel. Don’t think about that. That’s above your pay grade. It’s all in the handbook. Sometimes it’s for my own safety. Sometimes it’s merely the will of someone above me. Sometimes it’s about efficiency and saving time. All of which I’m somehow fine with. I prefer not to waste time. If I’m being honest, I sometimes even find myself happy to hear “No.” That means there is one less thing I have to waste energy on. That is one less thing I have to use up precious time thinking about. And THAT is not OK. At what point did I start feeling relieved that someone else did my thinking for me? Was it when I entered the workforce? College? High School? Or in my youth?  When did I stop freaking out about someone saying I couldn’t do or have something? Why does it take a lot of no’s before I get pissed off?

You ever feel such rage that you lash out and have no idea why? This is exactly why, for me. I keep suppressing my instincts, my gift of free will until I finally reach a breaking point. I have let other people dictate MY path for so long. I have let other people direct me on the road of MY life. Then, when someone gives me just one more direction – one more, “Do it this way” – one more “No“.  Is it any wonder why I would feel like ramming my foot down on the peddel and driving off of a cliff? Perverbial, of course. I have discovered that being told “No” hits me in my core because someone has just taken away my ability to make a choice. And I always have a choice.

“No” is not a command that I can simply accept. Therefore it should not be given. I am not a follower. I am a leader. People should open their mouth and explain. Helping me really understand something should not feel like a waste of time. A simple,”No” only works when I understand the motivation and rationale of the person saying it to me. And understanding someone like that takes a serious investment of my time. Which I believe to be a worthwhile investment of my time. People of the world!  All I ask is that you help me grow and develop to be able to make good choices. DO NOT DECIDE FOR ME. To those of you who don’t think I am worth your time, to you I say, “Fuck. Your. No.“